B16: Inquiry Essay Peer Edit #1


Your essay was very well written. I enjoyed reading it and I learned a lot about what it is really like to be a cadet and how that lifestyle compares to the civilian lifestyle. I thought you really explored how multiple aspects can be different and how that may affect a student.
I thought that you choose good sources and strategically weaved them throughout your essay in a way that was smoothly done. But I do agree with Jimmy, despite the fact that you said upperclassmen Cadets “break elevators, get drunk, and are irresponsible,” I never felt that you truly addressed how alcohol is such a big issue and how stressed the upperclassmen are.  Unless you mean to say that students and underclassmen in general are over stressed and eventually break. The rest of your essay is very descriptive and since this section of your essay was slightly less explained I felt like I was left on a cliffhanger, still curious and desiring more examples and explanations. I can see how it might be hard to ask the upperclassmen cadets on their take of how they have broken, because I doubt they would call it that and because you only have a professional relationship with them. But, maybe you could mention a little more about it or address why you can’t ask them… and add in something like “If I were allowed I would ask their opinion____”.
I think your conclusion could be a little stronger. Although this was an exploration instead of an experiment. Our English class knows that you have come to your own answer: deciding to leave the Corps of Cadets. Although talking about this may be off topic and your essay already has plenty of sustenance, I am definitely more curious about the process of leaving the Corps considering how much I did not know about the strictness and scariness of being in the Corps.
Great job! Your essay was interesting and outrageously realistic, kind of like reality TV. You include a lot of funny events you’ve experienced during the first month or so of college. Great topic and amazing job at bringing your voice and experiences into your writing!

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